Thoughts are the traces of freedom we all dream of, but experience only fleetingly. Everything else is just a routine of our daily dynamics. I want to think positive thoughts, but how does one keep a happy outlook in the midst of bad news and disturbing pictures that come from the outside world? How do I switch myself off from all that? How do I select what I would, and what I wouldn’t, when it all goes in and stays inside, creating bitterness and acidity? How do I carry this head with these thoughts, make it easier on my soul? You can measure my pulse by disquiet.

Spring has arrived to our city. Trees are showing off new dresses, their flowers color our gray days. Winter is running away, leaving thorns in our heads. Split within and in between, we rust unable to do something for others and ourselves. Where do we go when we travel?

We live as if we have more than enough time, as if we can postpone the time of our death. What we could have done yesterday, we can’t do today. We forgot what we wanted. I ask people how they feel, what’s going on with them? What do they hope for? I only get lethargic responses. As if our lives are not in our hands anymore. Instead of the truth, we have chosen the magicians illusionists who fool us into believing that they can give us what we need. Starved for some authentic feeling, we are prepared to work hard and give up a lot, but it’s all in vain. We’ve become mute spectators of the game in which the well-versed thieves steal our life away, right in front of our nose.

Again, our guard down, we’ve invited into the ring a stronger opponent who can destroy us completely. Frustrated by the realization that we are not able to handle what we have, let alone hang on to what we won’t let go of, we give in to narcissism. The statistics in all spheres of life callously inform us how and where we stand. Myths feed us, defend us, myths eat our children. The whole of mankind, to which we belong, whether we like it or not, is in chaos, and as we all know, in chaos old bills are charged without delay. Any effort on our part to prevent the changes only makes us look ridiculous. We’ve traded good morning for good night.

We always think that we are better than everyone else. Unable to realize ourselves, we promise a lot in order to buy us more time; time which can’t be bought. We do not keep our promises, nobody trusts us anymore, and we keep asking for a chance from those who are only too happy to invest in our mistakes. Our soup’s been spiced up so much we cry as we eat. History has taught us nothing because we didn’t want to learn, and now it is torturing us. Everything happens only to make us get better acquainted with ourselves. We are the hostages of our reality, which is made of sub realities. Nailed to one spot, we stagnate waiting for a sign to indicate some new direction while our days, ephemerally lined up one after another, mostly look alike.

moment

While these thoughts inevitably guide me deeper into a sort of a spring depression, suddenly I remember that I’m supposed to take my kid to a birthday party. Such a great experience awaits! My mood immediately brightens up. Song and dance, fun and friends, lots of little kids – that’s what my soul needs!

Alien, alienated. That's me.

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