The Secret

“What’s that you’re writing, Alice?” asked the Mad Bunny.

“I am writing a personals ad.”

“You don’t say?” This Alice never fails to surprise me, he thought to himself.

“It’s true. Been thinking about all that positive thinking shit. So much has been said on the subject, and it always makes me wanna puke. Not that I think it’s bullshit, it’s just a technique, a simple self-development tool, that is only as effective as your ability to manipulate your own mind, and that’s cool. I mean, whatever works for you… Right?

“Right” said the Mad Bunny, scratching his head, not sure where Alice was going with all this, but he could see that it was an issue for her. A big one. He’d never seen her so upset.

“What bothers me, well, what’s always bothered me, is that this positive visualisation shit has been raised to the status of religion in our spiritually deprived society. And its believers are fucking everywhere. Even some of my friends, the people I took to be of sound and sharp mind, have succumbed to this nonsense. The moment a conversation drifts onto the grounds of self-discovery, someone will ask if I have read the book “The Secret” or at least watched a film. And then everyone else will agree that it’s a must read book, or if I don’t like reading, a must see film, and then they will go on and on trying to explain how we are the ones who create our own reality with our thoughts. Blah blah blah… I kind of miss Jehovas witnesses. They’ve been completely exterminated by the followers of the Secret.”

“Ok, I see your point. What I don’t see is how any of this has anything to do with your personal’s ad?”

“Ah, well…” Alice raised her arms in resignation. “That was a disclaimer. And this, here,” she said as she looked at the notebook in her hands, “is an experiment in the secret-fucking-technique. I thought I’d give it a try. Do my bid of positive visualisation and see what happens. Not that I think anything will happen, but at least I’ll be able to say I tried.”

The Mad Bunny nodded. It made perfect sense. “So you put into words the picture of Mr Right, hoping to attract him into your life?”

“That’s how it’s supposed to work.” Alice nodded.

“Ok, lets hear it.” The Mad Bunny made himself comfortable in the big armchair and waited for Alice to start reading.

I am the girl who will take time
To write this ad into a rhyme,
A crazy perfectionist known to dwell
If a job is worth doing it’s worth doing well.
If you lack initiative and common sense,
If you are slow to catch on, lets skip the pretense,
No need to apply and waste precious time.
I need a quick man, dexterous and fun,
Who won’t need to be told what needs to be done.
I need a guy who is complex
Whose inner life is rich
Who doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder
Or feels that life is a bitch.
An uncompromising nature
Willing to make a compromise with me,
That’s how he should be.
If you think I’m asking for a lot,
It’s because you haven’t seen half of what I got.
(I got a lot.)

If you want to play, I can play the game
As long as the rules we have are the same.
I can fly real high and dive in the deep,
I can be joyous and I can weep.
I am low maintenance yet demanding as hell
I am a handful, can’t you tell?

If you haven’t been put off yet,
just hear me out and you’ll get there, I bet.
Being controversial and unjudging
I expect nothing less than a marathon runner
Who smokes a few joints before the race,
To get in the mood, or to find his pace.
As far as smoking joints goes,
And other hedonistic practices are concerned,
There’ll be no objection on my side,
And I expect by the same rule him to abide.

I can further guarantee freedom from routine
And promise, in his path, never to intervene
Except to offer support when he needs to grow
And help him find out what he needs to know.
Aside from that, I can make him fat,
My cooking’s real nice, all flavor and spice,
Whatever he wants, mousse, pot roast, pottage
Oh, and did I say I give great massage?
Assuming he is a spiritual being,
Sensually open to massage effects
I’d be happy to initiate him
Into the holly practice of tantric sex
And much more…

I was born to be wild, I was born to be free
I need someone to catch up with me.
I need someone who wants to commit
Someone who knows how to share
With the father of my children I already had an affair.
So to be clear, i don’t want to misguide –
I want something serious, real serious, on the side.
A guy who will make us as strong as a tower
Who will have the strength and staying power,
A guy with the balls to speak his mind
I’m looking for one of a kind.

I get easily bored with others and never on my own
I like the people who don’t disturb me,
Who know how to leave me alone
This usually invites self-centered cocks
Who like just fine the „don’t disturb“ sign,
But when it comes to complying with my primal need –
The authentic imperative,
They will not bleed.

Being independent in every way,
I don’t need taking care of,
But occasionally I need to be saved.

So I need a slightly different guy, this time.
An innately loyal soul would do just fine,
Someone my heart could trust,
As we all know, trust is a  must.
An unordinary cock strong enough to endure
My tears when feelings become a blur,
An unordinary cock strong enough to be
Whatever he is, unyieldingly.
Truthful as hurtful and strong as a rock,
That’s how I want my unordinary cock.

Interested? Send a short bio and a recent photo to alice@wonder-fucking-land.com

“Whoa!” The Mad Bunny exhaled, looking at Alice with renewed appreciation. He was still chewing on her poem, and wondering whether he was intimidated or aroused by it. Probably both, he decided.

“Is that all you have to say?” Alice was disappointed.

The Mad Bunny gently took Alice’s hand, then cleared his throat, “Good luck with that!”

Photograph from the series Mad Bunny by Yves Lecoq