Over the past months I’ve been taken on an emotional roller coaster ride. (I guess pregnancy can do that to a girl.) Vertigo, loss of balance, even loss of gravity at times, and a bad case of nausea followed every step of the way. My moods have been broadcasted exclusively on short wave frequency, ranging from hysteric madness to feelings of lucid self understanding and deep inner peace. Depending on the current state of mind, my outlook would be altered accordingly and I’d be able to see different aspects of my life through different prism, like a kaleidoscope of endless possibilities. I could see the road ahead changing direction every time I’d move the lens and alter the view. After bumping into myself time and again, it’s become easy to see how inevitable it is to bounce against the others.

On the whole, I gained a much wider perspective. Many pieces have fallen into place, yet the few crucial parts of the puzzle are still missing. I know they must be sitting right in front of me, probably screaming in my face, I just have to focus in to see them. Wonder how long that’s gonna take…

Iboga thought me that I must dive deep into myself, and ask only the simplest of questions because only the simple questions give the essential answers.

For simple questions and essential answers, I like to consult my runes. The rune I keep drawing lately is Hagalaz, one of the three runes with negative connotation.

Its attributes are freedom, invention, and liberation. Hagalaz belongs to the cycle of self-transformation, and as such indicates a necessity to break away from the limiting identification with material reality, and to open oneself to experiencing the world of archetypal consciousness. As a rune of elementary disruption, events which are out of our control, Hagalaz acts as a wake up call to those of us who have been sleeping for too long. We may feel as though we are waking from a long sleep and take some time to come to our full senses. There may be a loss before there is a great gain.

The force of the wake up can be so violent that it may tear down the strings of our reality, our self-understanding, and our values and beliefs. It would be wise to keep in mind that what is happening is the product of our own nature, which is why we are not helpless in this situation. Our inner strength will help us find the way out, now when everything we took for granted has been put under a question mark. To describe Hagalaz would best be done by the words “radical discontinuity”. Now is the time when cosmos and our soul ask that we grow.

And we do what we gotta do.

Alien, alienated. That's me.

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