Ecstasy Experience
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April 1996, Belgrade YU

If you are wondering, the second time I took ecstasy was two years later. I had returned home after years of traveling, and was spending a lot of time with my oldest, ‘bestest’ friend in the world – Sasha. We were friends from kindergarten, and lived next door to each other. Sasha was studying to be a doctor, like his father, but not because of him. Doctor was something Sasha was meant to be. He is sensitive, compassionate and understanding. He is strong, stable and rational. He’s someone you’d want around when going gets tough. Sasha is also fair and impartial, and I very much wanted to share with him what I’d experienced on ecstasy. When I told him about it, he wanted to try it too.

This time I was in charge of the ‘initiation’. I explained what I thought was important, “The feeling that overcomes you is a feeling of liberating love, and it’s easy to cry. If that happens, let go.” He nodded. I knew Sasha well enough to know music took him to other dimensions, so I selected his favorite CDs, and played them. We were seated opposite each other, in two big comfortable armchairs that had leg support. I saw Sasha’s face all lighted up in a big smile, and I felt my own face beaming. Ecstasy was working all right. I knew that the only thing I could do now was let him sink into the experience, and go through my own.

Closing my eyes, I felt my whole body vibrating in tune with the music. It was beautiful. I visualized a stream of clear, fresh mountain water running through me, washing away the dirt, and leaving me feel revitalized. Then the music got to me again and carried me into the past. I remembered an old oak tree on the side of the river, just across the street, where Sasha and I had spent so many nights, philosophizing about everything and anything we could think of. The old oak tree was divided in two equally strong branches, and Sasha and I would spend hours sitting on them and talking. A few years ago, a lightning had struck our tree, burning it down into a log. I poignantly contemplated on that, when I realized that tears were running down my cheeks. I opened my eyes and saw Sasha, lovingly looking at me. The tears increased in flow, this time not because of sadness, but love. Looking at Sasha’s dear face, I realized how much I loved him and how important he is for me. He slowly moved out of the armchair and went down on the floor, moving on all fours in my direction. Thinking about my tears, I realized that maybe they have upset him, so I told him that I was feeling fine. He nodded, but kept going. When he reached me, he knelt beside and kissed my tears. Then he looked at me with tears in his eyes, and said, “I just wanted to taste your tears…” At that very moment we were both overwhelmed by the intensity of the love we were feeling. This love was so pure that it left no place for awkwardness. There was nothing sexual in it, either, and maybe that is why the experience was so extraordinary.

The day after, Sasha and I went for a walk by the river. When we reached a green field, we laid down on the soft, neatly cut grass.

God had scattered the clouds upon the sky like white, feather pillows. The two of us were very still, our senses heightened.

The day had passed, filled with sounds and scents of the river, and when the sun set, Sasha made me get up and see how the river empties into the sky.


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Alien, alienated. That's me.

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