Timing is everything.

We all want the same things, yet when we get them we often find it is not the right moment, that we are not ready, or that the circumstances in our life are not ripe. I wonder why is that. And is it possible to somehow go out of our way and adapt the situation to accommodate this new energy in our life?

I am pregnant, again. And sorry to say, not as excited as I was the first time round. Maybe because I learned something in the meantime. Now I know what it takes to be a parent. You must be able to provide stability and security of the whole family to the child, even if you are a single mother. Especially then. And that’s not an easy task.

Right now, I can see only the reasons why I shouldn’t have this child:

  • Because raising one child on my own is hard enough, emotionally and financially.
  • Because I don’t even have a place of my own, nor can I afford to buy a cheap second-hand car to drive this one kid across town when needed.
  • Because I’ve come to equate pregnancy with being abandoned, and I can’t afford to go through that kind of loss again.
  • Because it took almost two years to get my body back and in shape, and now that I have, I will have to give it up again.
  • Because it’s another year and a half of not having possession of my body (while the father of my children fucks around as usual, except during pregnancy, that thought is lethal to my wellbeing).
  • Because it’s another year and a half of not having any time or space for myself.
  • Because I just started working on a new project, in a very responsible position, which I will not be able to keep if I have the baby, and the question is whether I’d be able to give it up just temporarily. I doubt it.
  • Because I finally have a few interesting men around me.
  • Because I finally feel normal again.

Considering all this, the decision should be easy. Yet whenever I look at my son, I think how empty my life would have been without him. And I feel like I am about to give up the second best thing that’s come into my life. And that makes me think. And when I think, I hesitate. And when I hesitate, I’m lost.

When I was younger, I had two abortions. I didn’t think twice. I didn’t blink. I just knew I wasn’t ready for children and that was that. Easy. But now that I’ve had a child, my life has a new dimension. Now that I’ve been a mother for almost two years, I know well what I’d be giving up. And it’s a lot.

So I’m back to square one.

Timing is everything, and my timing sucks.

Photo manipulation by Caras Ionut

Alien, alienated. That's me.

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